LOVE KICKS BUTT

Happy (or not so happy) Valentine's Day

I don't know many people who are going to be happy on Valentine's Day. Mostly, we're all just melodramatic teenagers who eat tubs of ice cream and watch, I don't know, The Notebook or something. I don't do that though. I mean, I don't watch The Notebook. I watch period films and comedies. Nicholas Sparks is just bad. Seriously, 99% of the stuff he writes are made up of cheeseballs and lies.

But, this blog post isn't about terrible books-turned-movies. This blog post is about today. Valentine's Day.

Although not all of us are bitter cat ladies who eat relationships for breakfast, I still feel that it's necessary to write about whatever you're going to get to read below.

Let's start.

#1

Until recently, I wouldn't know what to say or do if anyone had come up to me wailing because they love somebody who doesn't love them back. I'd probably just stand there awkwardly till they stop snivelling, then I'd give them a hug and try  to blurt out a slew of advice. It was only when my sister came home crying that I finally came up with my best and only successful metaphor (let's face it I am terrible at metaphors). And so it goes:

I had this one favorite sweater that I found behind my closet. My relationship with that sweater went steady for two amazing years. Well, guess what?

Yep, it got lost. I was devastated. To this day, the loss of said sweater is still the biggest disaster of my life.

So began the yearlong manhunt for a new favorite sweater. I searched high and low in aisles of all the shops you could think of. I had tried on many different kinds and made the mistake of buying some, thinking that they were The One. Still, no luck. That is, until last month.

To begin with, I don't shop in Gap but they had a New Year sale and I wouldn't pass that up. Although I had thought that my visit would only spawn heartbreak, I decided to round the corner to the Gap Kids section and lo and behold! There it was. The perfect favorite sweater.

Your ex or crush or whoever it may be is just my lost sweater. You'll feel miserable and crestfallen, yes, but you will find someone better. And though you might not find them in Forever 21 or any other place you'd expect to unearth a sweater, don't give up hope. The perfect one might just be waiting for you in a Gap store.

disclaimer: boyfriends and girlfriends are not for sale in any Gap outlet. Please understand my metaphor.


#2

Don't have a Valentine? Well, don't drag your ass around trying to find one. You don't need one.

It's Single Awareness Day and all you should do is be proud that you own yourself. You are a free and independent human being, you don't need impractical syrupy love to come knocking at your door all the time.

I know today is like a slap to your very single self, but, aren't we all truly alone whether we are nursing a relationship or not? You deserve a high five for your individualism!

One more thing I hate about all this crap is the saccharine way society perceives romance. We grow up being taught that girls should have boyfriends (or girlfriends, if you're into that) and, according to Disney, there is simply no other way that we can achieve our "happy ending." In consequence, today's teenagers are too busy finding love in other people that they end up never learning how to properly love themselves first.

Take care of yourself. Once you're comfortable with who you are, that is when people will truly appreciate and love you.

- - -

This post is dedicated to my sister and all my heartbroken friends. Remember that even though your significant he/she is a little shit, I'll always be here for you.

RESOLUTIONS.

I'm not much for big events. I'm especially terrified of New Year's. But, maybe 2014 won't be so bad. I hope.

Let's talk about resolutions.

Maybe you don't make resolutions. Maybe you do, and keep them. But, I'm guessing plenty just end up forgetting (a.k.a. me.) I've tried to keep my resolutions, unfortunately things never end up the way I'd wanted them to. I stopped making them at age 12.

This year, though. 2013. It's made me re-evaluate a lot of things about myself and my life. I've learned a whole lot that it scares me sometimes how much I've opened up. In light of trying to better myself, I decided to come up with resolutions for 2014. And I've decided to share it here just so I can never forget.

• Read. Write. Keep a Journal.
• Make art. Paint. Draw. Even when it's ugly.
• Post on this blog more. Just cause it helps.
• Get healthy: eat right! Exercise!
• STUDY! Hard.
• Clean your room! Fix your room!
• Buy clothes that you like. Don't buy clothes that other people like. Be you.
• Stop going on the internet by 10 (whenever it's a school day ha)
• Be friends with your enemies. Be friends with your ex. Idk. Just be friends with people.
• Get angry. Throw a ball around your room. Break a pencil. But get over it after a day or less.
• Get sad. Cry. Punch a pillow. Wail. Scream. But remember that you're meant to be happy too.
• Learn when to say your shit and learn when to stop when what you're saying is shit.
• Mind your business. No one likes a snoop.
• Volunteer for charities. Learn that there are bigger problems than having an average high school life.
• Give. And don't expect anything in return. 
• Be gentle. With yourself and others.
• Inner peace. Achieve it.

- - -

First playlist of the year will be up soon!

HIDING

November 9

School is looming over the hours I spend scouring Rolling Stone's website and flipping book pages. Tomorrow is the last of wearing pyjamas the whole day, after that I have to go back to boring, black and white (or green) uniforms. That makes me a bit sad. I've been living in my pjs and cute socks for a week. 

On the bright side, our intrams will be held next week. That's always fun. I don't think my batch is prepared, but, I think we'll do okay. And we get to not have classes, just mess around and watch volleyball games. That works for me because we've got soliloquy presentations coming up and I haven't written a single word of mine. I didn't even choose an emperor to write about yet. oops. 

And school means I no longer have to force myself to endure awkward meals with my family. But, it also means I have to keep a happy charade going once again. Like the cliche, overrated saying goes: Hide behind a smile.

I'm so tired although I've been in bed forever. And it's the worst month to be alive. Well, just the worst month to go to school. I can't wait until Christmas comes around.  Maybe the milk & cookies and my holiday socks will cheer me up, then, I'll be half okay again. Half is enough, isn't it?

Getting swarmed with problems isn't something anyone will appreciate. School problems. Family problems. Existential crises. Early midlife crises. Wahahaha wow. Please *squeaks* help.

My feelings are mixed, like nuts. Missing her and not missing her at the same time is getting too weird. That's something because I've felt weirder emotions before. So now, I can't help but cope with it by eating a lot of donuts. Not to mention tacos.

So, yeah. [sorry i've been using that phrase/sentence a lot lately] I can't say it was a bad week. My nieces helped keep my happy levels up. But, now that I'm back in Manila, well it's been bland and boring and icky and awkward. 

I'm hoping November will be kind because life is playing hide-and-seek with me and I'm not sure where to hide. 

A LIST OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

I'm writing this because I am experiencing a drought of creativity and this is one interpretation of what others would call a "rain dance" (do you get my awesome metaphor; please laugh) and I'm being really weird because it's been raining like crazy here. 

It's also because I'm not really sure what to do with all the free time my mom gave me. To further explain the statement, she gave me the choice whether or not to go to school tomorrow, which is great because I've been feeling like shit in school and I had the ugliest week. Like a plethora of great dragon faces have come to stare down on me and breathe fire into my lungs. I'm not even kidding.

You are invited to read on if you are in want of updates on the uninteresting mind of a 14 year-old girl.

1. PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE

I can't help the way I find comfort in days that have never happened. The only reason that I survive to this day is because of "the future." Yet, it's mind-boggling how we work day and night for the day that we will live in luxury and yet never realize how the hands on our clocks ran away from us.

We are never aware that today is our future until it becomes our past.

And only then will we become riddled with regrets of things done and never done. It is upsetting how we humans have tried so hard to become people that we became animals instead. Always hunting for a brighter future when it is merely a mirage. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we should accept our past as what it is: years that are long gone from the universe that is reborn each time the earth rotates on its axis. And we should work in the present because it is our future. 

2. PRODUCTIVITY & BOREDOM

I have never been one to participate in the activities people my age join in. All I can do is mope around and be angry about mundane trivialities that are of no valid importance to the rest of the universe whatsoever. Thus, I am causing my own monotonous existence. And I have the balls to complain about it, too.

I am a sad kid with a premature existential crisis.

That being said, I have to start exploring pursuits that are way out of my comfort zone. I've said the same a couple of times before but I've never done anything about it (yay go me) demonstrating once again my lack of purpose and excessive laziness.

This year, I am welcoming new things and new people. I admit I am afraid of change. Deathly scared of it. Either way, change is the only constant thing in our lives. 

Lastly,

3. HAPPINESS

I am absolutely dry with negativity. Past traumatising events and unforetold feelings have haunted me for the past week all because of a draggy quarrel with a couple of girls in my school. I am yanked back into long ago and with it comes all the pain and fear that stemmed from a simple confession in the Biology lab last November.

I know I shouldn't depend on other people for happiness, but, where shall I draw the said emotion from? I love humans. Most of the time, I don't seem like I do, what with my laptop being my only companion for severed weekends. But, I do. Love humans, I mean. The only problem is I haven't seen any humans for the past fourteen years and four months. 

Reading quotes from Tumblr has convinced me all the more that happiness is an illusion achieved only through personal suffering and contentment. And that is correct. Although this philosophy is clearly thought of by society as an individual being self-centered and focused only on personal gain, it is a logical and realistic point of view.

The world is cruel and we should do everything to free ourselves from the dragon's keep. And to attain our liberty, the creature must be slain by our fists and swords alone for no knight will come with all gallantry to save this damsel in distress.

PLAYLIST: CHANGING TIMES + BONUS PARAGRAPHS AND PHOTOS

House Of Gold - Twenty One Pilots
King and Lionheart - Of Monsters and Men
20/20 - Pupil
U.F.O - Coldplay
Gimme Twice - The Royal Concept
Submarines - The Lumineers
Keep On Walking - Passenger
Start Anew - Beady Eye

Hooray for new posts! I finally got around to finishing my September Playlist and I hope you guys enjoy listening to it as much as I had fun putting it together.

I just downloaded The Lumineers' album and it is amazing! If the sun and the rain had a baby, this album would be it. Well, technically, rainbows are the sun and rain's babies so I guess The Lumineers are made of rainbows. 

It's been a great few weeks, although, I'm still having trouble forgetting things that I should. I find myself reminiscing at odd moments of the day and that isn't doing me any good. It's really difficult to keep the unwanted flashbacks buried inside my head. They're like bugs you thought you've killed, but, they aren't really dead and they just come back to crawl between your cracks.

[I think I need an infinite supply of insect repellent for the odious pests.]

On a better note, I got my own Fujifilm Instax Mini 8!!! 

To celebrate the welcoming of Bambi [yes that is the name of my instax I really like naming things okay] here are a few of the polaroid photos from my friends.

clockwise from top left: Geri and I, Lissy took that photo during our Algebra period (oops); with Christina after we had our "blogger photoshoot" ; with Geri again (same day haha); the last one with Jorelle, my babe when she pulled me in her classroom for a random photo

I hope I can capture really worthwhile photos with Bambi. After all, she's just a one-take shot, what with the film being quite pricey and all.

To put an end to this post, I'll go with the monthly realization thing I'm going for: I'm not expecting September to be any better than August. The only thing I can do is float along the river and not fight against it's currents because that's when shit starts to happen. No one will help you clean up once the putrid evidence of said shit begins to appear and that's another mess in itself. Better to just go with the flow than crap all over yourself.