A LIST OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

I'm writing this because I am experiencing a drought of creativity and this is one interpretation of what others would call a "rain dance" (do you get my awesome metaphor; please laugh) and I'm being really weird because it's been raining like crazy here. 

It's also because I'm not really sure what to do with all the free time my mom gave me. To further explain the statement, she gave me the choice whether or not to go to school tomorrow, which is great because I've been feeling like shit in school and I had the ugliest week. Like a plethora of great dragon faces have come to stare down on me and breathe fire into my lungs. I'm not even kidding.

You are invited to read on if you are in want of updates on the uninteresting mind of a 14 year-old girl.

1. PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE

I can't help the way I find comfort in days that have never happened. The only reason that I survive to this day is because of "the future." Yet, it's mind-boggling how we work day and night for the day that we will live in luxury and yet never realize how the hands on our clocks ran away from us.

We are never aware that today is our future until it becomes our past.

And only then will we become riddled with regrets of things done and never done. It is upsetting how we humans have tried so hard to become people that we became animals instead. Always hunting for a brighter future when it is merely a mirage. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we should accept our past as what it is: years that are long gone from the universe that is reborn each time the earth rotates on its axis. And we should work in the present because it is our future. 

2. PRODUCTIVITY & BOREDOM

I have never been one to participate in the activities people my age join in. All I can do is mope around and be angry about mundane trivialities that are of no valid importance to the rest of the universe whatsoever. Thus, I am causing my own monotonous existence. And I have the balls to complain about it, too.

I am a sad kid with a premature existential crisis.

That being said, I have to start exploring pursuits that are way out of my comfort zone. I've said the same a couple of times before but I've never done anything about it (yay go me) demonstrating once again my lack of purpose and excessive laziness.

This year, I am welcoming new things and new people. I admit I am afraid of change. Deathly scared of it. Either way, change is the only constant thing in our lives. 

Lastly,

3. HAPPINESS

I am absolutely dry with negativity. Past traumatising events and unforetold feelings have haunted me for the past week all because of a draggy quarrel with a couple of girls in my school. I am yanked back into long ago and with it comes all the pain and fear that stemmed from a simple confession in the Biology lab last November.

I know I shouldn't depend on other people for happiness, but, where shall I draw the said emotion from? I love humans. Most of the time, I don't seem like I do, what with my laptop being my only companion for severed weekends. But, I do. Love humans, I mean. The only problem is I haven't seen any humans for the past fourteen years and four months. 

Reading quotes from Tumblr has convinced me all the more that happiness is an illusion achieved only through personal suffering and contentment. And that is correct. Although this philosophy is clearly thought of by society as an individual being self-centered and focused only on personal gain, it is a logical and realistic point of view.

The world is cruel and we should do everything to free ourselves from the dragon's keep. And to attain our liberty, the creature must be slain by our fists and swords alone for no knight will come with all gallantry to save this damsel in distress.

LIEBSTER AWARD (OH!!)

A week ago, I was nominated by one of my best blogger buddies, Sam, for the Liebster Award. Although I know she only did it to help me feel more or less elated, I am flattered that my sad excuse for a blog is somewhat worthy enough for a mention. Thank you Sam!

What is your favorite day of the week and why?

Probably Friday because the rest of the weekend lies ahead before you. There's a whole world of prospects out there and it always make me happier, even though it's a tiny bit, to think that I wouldn't have to deal with people if I don't feel like doing so. Fridays are when I tear through the confines of misery and social rejection. Nothing bad ever happens to me on a Friday. At least for now.

Describe your music taste.

I don't listen to a lot of mainstream music. Just a little though whenever my sad indie songs don't play well. I really like songs that take me to new places and lyrics that explore new frontiers of emotions. In my opinion, a great artist arouses a new person in each of us and what makes a song precious is that a fresh personality exists only within the several minutes that limits the track.

Favorite breakfast food?

PANCAKES NO DOUBT. 

Books or Movies? Why?

I won't deny that I am something of a cinephile. I love movies. But I prefer books over films any day. Mostly because books challenge me to occupy sort of a different universe every time. I love how words come pouring out of the page straight behind your eyes only to start simmering at the back of your mind as if embedded there. When I read a book, I feel like I am sharing an intimate moment with the author, as though he or she were sitting in front of me and telling me the story themselves. 

Rainy or Hot days?

Honestly, rainy days take the cake. I live by the idea that the rain can rinse me of all that I'd like to let go of. Unfortunately, it's not working too well at the moment.

Give three songs you love but would be too embarrassed to sing?

I'm not sure. I sing all the songs in my guilty pleasure playlists. (I know this isn't much of an answer I'm so sorry)

Describe your 7th birthday.

I WENT TO HONG KONG DISNEYLAND AND IT WAS AMAZING!! I rode Space Mountain countless times until I felt like the world was going to fall out beneath me. I also ate a lot of egg tarts. Come to think of it, that may be able to justify my vomiting in my bed when we were back at the hotel. 

Describe your favorite Christmas day.

I spend my Christmas days sleeping, but, I do have to answer this. My favorite one was when I had a dream where I was in the north pole and I met a gingerbread man. Santa was there, with all his elves and reindeer. I got to eat a whole room made of candy, too. That was a good dream.

Any memories you know you'd never forget? Why?
I never remember anything in detail. I mostly remember how it felt to be in that certain point of my life. I know I'd never forget a feeling. It's a difficult thing to have. I've been through some of the happiest bits of my life so far and I live in constant fear of never being able to feel that way again. But, even more bothersome is how painful it is to relive memories. Truthfully, I am exhausted and I just want to forget.

Describe what you're feeling right now with a book title.
Smiles To Go (written by Jerry Spinelli, it's good okay go read it)

I nominate:

Bea, from The Sporadic Thoughts

Alyanna, from Okay Alyanna

Jorelle, from Finding Jorelle
Rachelle, from Rachelle's Adventures

My questions:
1.) What is the first thing you notice in a person's appearance? Why?
2.) What are your top 5 songs when on a road trip?
3.) Describe your typical Saturday morning.
4.) How do you feel about school?
5.) What are you most afraid of?
6.) Would you prefer to be a turtle or an ant? Why?
7.) Do you still watch cartoons? If so, give examples of your favorites.
8.) If you were to go on a trip to another country, who would you like to travel with?
9.) Describe your first memory.
10.) Have you ever wanted to say something to someone but are too afraid to do so? Why?

LONELY KID

(Please don't get intimidated by how long this post is. Read on.)

Everything's going upside down lately. Even my insides feel as though they've been shit on and microwaved. You can not argue that this is the result of my hormones going bananas. That is untrue. If you tell me the reason of my being emotionally unstable is related to the changes going on inside my body, you are lying and I will fart angrily on you. That's a promise. 

I keep most of my promises. I will definitely keep that one. Hahaha.

Mourning for the continual loss of my love life and the increasing number of my insecurities is exhausting me beyond comprehension. I don't even need to exercise anymore to lose weight. I just have to over think situations then boom! I magically feel like I ran a marathon. 

I'm just trying to make you laugh here. That's how I work. I share my worries in a humorous way so people think I'm joking about things. Truthfully speaking, I feel like crying every moment of everyday. Don't get me wrong, my love life isn't the only complication. Everything is a dilemma. I just don't talk much about my issues in fear that humanity will get tired of dealing with my shit and the world will banish me to Jupiter or something. 

Maybe a lot of people my age don't understand how being depressed actually works. You don't have to have life-changing, disastrous problems to be depressed. Depression is a medical condition. Some people are just stuck with it. You might think they are over reacting or seeking attention, but, you can't say that for sure. 

I'm aware that sucky situations exist and continually happen in many aspects of life. We deal with shit people on shit days that become even more shitty as the hours wear on. We become so used to that part of ourselves that it consumes us. 

I am so tired of being lonely and having to suppress the waterfalls beneath my eyelids. I prefer the world to be right side up. I want oven baked insides instead of microwaved fuckery. For so long I was in a sinking ship and I don't want to drown anymore.

I lost myself for a while there. I didn't know how to exist without needing someone to need me. Then epiphany struck. I need to exist for myself.

I'm proud to say that I'm reworking little bits of my soul. I'd like to be happier and healthier. This is how I'll begin:

+ start reading again

+ drink more water

+ exercise 

+ eat healthy

+ write everything (from insignificantly tiny to universally important)

+ sleep earlier

+ make art

+ take workshops

+ make more friends

+ make more time to spend with friends

+ give time to myself (meditate!)

+ when experiencing any overwhelming feelings for someone (ranging from furious to grateful), tell them

+ lessen the bad words (i hope)

+ list down things i'm thankful for/happy about everyday

+ make room for new people and new memories

+ wear whatever the hell i want

+ stop caring a whole lot about what other people think and start listening to myself

You can begin again, too.

- - -

Maybe this post made you laugh, maybe it made you cry. Maybe it helped you cope through whatever you're going through. Whatever it may be, I'd like to know what you guys thought about it. 

Share this post to people who may need a little cheering up.

LOVE (AND IT'S UNFORTUNATE EFFECTS.)

Hello friends. Long time, no post. If anybody wants to know what I have been up to, I've just been mostly slugging along through life. I have a really bad case of colds and my small nose, as you all know because of my ridiculous blog title, is incapable of breathing when I get sick becuase of its tiny airway. In one post, I said that I don't think about love. Well, I LIED. Yeah, I know what you guys are thinking: Oooh, she's only thirteen and she says she has a love life. She's too young to understand what real love is. Oh no what's happening to her stupid generation. Just shut up, please. Times are different now. Thirteen year olds really do have love lives. There are kids who have more controversial ones. Because mine is currently nonexistant. Ugh. I hate people. (I really don't, but, can the universe just spare this pitious moment for my soul? I am in need of emotional renovation.)

And because of the aforementioned love life complexities, I've gone back to my pessimistic manners. Okay, back up. Before 6th grade, I was this cool emo kid who keeps quiet, talks only to a certain group of people, and is a total snob. But, after a while, I decided to talk to more people and voila! I am now this weird, geeky person who does not deserve to be called a human beng because she has no life. Mehehe. So yeah. I am back to my only-talking-to-a-few-people habit and I am once again a social hermit. I get like this when I'm lonely. I mean, I'm lonely all the time, but, when I'm super lonely, I revert back to said characteristics. And yes, the word super really does make a difference.

I don't like love. At all. I have no love for love. If that even makes sense. They say it's this magical, wondrous force that will make you feel all tingly and perfect inside. Ha! It's all bullcrap. It hurts people when it's not supposed to. Children should not be exposed to the concept of love (and all it's cruel, hurtful ways) until age thirty or something. Disney movies, I blame you! Love will only make you feel weird and depressed. Keep away from it. I'm warning you.

As of now, I have absolutely no clue what I am going to do about my current predicament. I think I am in love, but, I am trying not to get used to that idea, lest my feelings become true. And really, the person is just plain wrong. I feel so weird right now, sharing all of this on the internet. It's a good thing very few people read this. Only friends and classmates. Yeah. You guys know who you are.

So, I apologize for burdening you with my petty problems. And I am also very sorry for the lack of photos. My camera is currently being borrowed (and held hostage) by my brother. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's okay that he's borrowing it. It's not like I have anything to take photos of. Nyahaha. I guess this concludes today's post. Okay, bye. I might put up a playlist soon. I am promising nothing.

AWKWARD WEDNESDAYS

Mad mad mad. I am in absolute conviction that I am going mad. I am mad and mad. There are two different mads. The first, when you're angry. The second, when you're insane. I think I am both. I dunno really. It's not as if I'd had much time to think about things like that.

I am experiencing a famine of sorts. A famine of things to blog about. Although there is a battle going on behind my eyes, most of those things are personal and not really blog material. I am living in no adventure and my current status is that of an awkward thirteen year-old. I'm sorry if this blog is infinitely boring.

Wednesday is the most awkward day. I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy that I'm halfway through one hell of a school week, or if I'd get irritated that it's only the middle of the week but it had felt like a long time. I am in a love-hate relationship with Wednesday at the moment.

HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS (THE ALEXA MUHLACH WAY)

I am clueless on how to socialize. My friend (yeah, you, oh wait you aren't reading this nevermind) teases me whenever she gets the chance. Which is always. She says I only know about 7% of the school. Maybe less. I think she's right. The main reason is, of course, I am completely mad. I know people would think I'm weird. Which I am. But it does no good if you were to advertise your whole awkwardness for all the world to mock. I still try to widen my social circle, mostly because my parents tell me to. So, just for fun, I wrote a guide on how I make friends.

STEP 1: Greet them politely, but, awkwardly.

This works better if you knew them before or at least talked to them once. Or if they know you by name. My preferred greeting is "Hey" in a drawn out tone. And if you know their names, use them. Also, include a little wave. The one I use for first time greetings is the finger-ripple-wave.

STEP 2: During classes, talk to the seatmate that you don't know about random things.

Random things include: food, elephants, music, movies, turtles and cheese. If you have random facts, do tell. But, don't introduce yourself. Unless they ask you, of course.

STEP 3: Two words: BASIC ORIGAMI.

This is always what I do. It's never failed me before. I'm not an origami expert, but, I know the basic stuff. Like airplanes and boats. I can also make a spaceship. I am currently learning the frog and the crane. This works best if the person who you are trying to socialize with doesn't know how to make these things and so requires you to teach them.

STEP 4: High School Musical songs.

Our ritual! We always sing HSM songs during lunch break. Sing with your friends and the singing will attract more people. The bonding time with your classmates is really important and music is always a willing outlet to provide you with the time and the fun. HSM is really effective, especially Gabriella's emo songs and Bet On It. This step isn't exclusive to only HSM songs. You can sing anything but it's better if the songs are really catchy and you can clap or snap to it.

STEP 5: FOOD.

Like they say, the way to a heart is through food. The most important ties are made during meal times and so it is with friends. Food is close to the most perfect thing that people can have an emotional bond with. Just have a trade and barter session and it is assured that you'll make friends.

And that dear readers (if anybody is actually interested in this blog) is how I, your nerdy gawky writer, expand my already tiny circle of friends and would-be friends. It works for the people in my school. They actually warm up to me the first three days. Oh, and this guide can't guarantee you to be friends with snob popular people. That kind requires you to make effort to appear effortless. I know, I know. They don't make it easy. Anyway, I hope this actually helps.