A LIST OF THINGS TO THINK ABOUT

I'm writing this because I am experiencing a drought of creativity and this is one interpretation of what others would call a "rain dance" (do you get my awesome metaphor; please laugh) and I'm being really weird because it's been raining like crazy here. 

It's also because I'm not really sure what to do with all the free time my mom gave me. To further explain the statement, she gave me the choice whether or not to go to school tomorrow, which is great because I've been feeling like shit in school and I had the ugliest week. Like a plethora of great dragon faces have come to stare down on me and breathe fire into my lungs. I'm not even kidding.

You are invited to read on if you are in want of updates on the uninteresting mind of a 14 year-old girl.

1. PAST, PRESENT & FUTURE

I can't help the way I find comfort in days that have never happened. The only reason that I survive to this day is because of "the future." Yet, it's mind-boggling how we work day and night for the day that we will live in luxury and yet never realize how the hands on our clocks ran away from us.

We are never aware that today is our future until it becomes our past.

And only then will we become riddled with regrets of things done and never done. It is upsetting how we humans have tried so hard to become people that we became animals instead. Always hunting for a brighter future when it is merely a mirage. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we should accept our past as what it is: years that are long gone from the universe that is reborn each time the earth rotates on its axis. And we should work in the present because it is our future. 

2. PRODUCTIVITY & BOREDOM

I have never been one to participate in the activities people my age join in. All I can do is mope around and be angry about mundane trivialities that are of no valid importance to the rest of the universe whatsoever. Thus, I am causing my own monotonous existence. And I have the balls to complain about it, too.

I am a sad kid with a premature existential crisis.

That being said, I have to start exploring pursuits that are way out of my comfort zone. I've said the same a couple of times before but I've never done anything about it (yay go me) demonstrating once again my lack of purpose and excessive laziness.

This year, I am welcoming new things and new people. I admit I am afraid of change. Deathly scared of it. Either way, change is the only constant thing in our lives. 

Lastly,

3. HAPPINESS

I am absolutely dry with negativity. Past traumatising events and unforetold feelings have haunted me for the past week all because of a draggy quarrel with a couple of girls in my school. I am yanked back into long ago and with it comes all the pain and fear that stemmed from a simple confession in the Biology lab last November.

I know I shouldn't depend on other people for happiness, but, where shall I draw the said emotion from? I love humans. Most of the time, I don't seem like I do, what with my laptop being my only companion for severed weekends. But, I do. Love humans, I mean. The only problem is I haven't seen any humans for the past fourteen years and four months. 

Reading quotes from Tumblr has convinced me all the more that happiness is an illusion achieved only through personal suffering and contentment. And that is correct. Although this philosophy is clearly thought of by society as an individual being self-centered and focused only on personal gain, it is a logical and realistic point of view.

The world is cruel and we should do everything to free ourselves from the dragon's keep. And to attain our liberty, the creature must be slain by our fists and swords alone for no knight will come with all gallantry to save this damsel in distress.

I AM RUBBISH AT TITLES.

Greetings fellow sickos!

It's been 30 days since I've last posted. Unfortunately, this post won't be any different with my previous ones. I'm still as dorky as ever and can bore you to possible death. I'm just here to acknowledge the fact that tomorrow will be the last day of our sembreak. Well isn't that sad? On the contrary, I'm really excited to go back to school because that would mean I'd get to be away from the loony bin that is my house. Ha-ha.

Okay so, I'm not really one for love stories and all that jazz, but, recently I've been getting into classic romance novels by Jane Austen, Charlotte Bronte and the like. I watched the 2005 Pride & Predjudice film. Keira Knightley was brilliant. I swear. The thing I like about it is that Mr. Darcy is such a unique love interest for someone like Elizabeth Bennet. Plus it wasn't that cheesy, unlike other exaggerated romance films and stories. I'll be watching a whole lot more of British period films, mark my words!

I wrote a couple of poems just this week. I'd like you people (if there are indeed 'people' to reference) to read one of them. This one has no title because I am absolutely horrible at coming up with them, as mentioned in my post title, ironically. Anyway,

i.

A string of clumsy words drop from my tongue.
And in their wake, an immense silence settles against the wall.
I know the conversation crumples as quickly as it's made,
Though the weight of sentences stay to crush me.

ii.

You speak a thousand glasses of sweet champagne
And all I respond with is a drip of bitter water.
I know not to listen, my ears may be blunt,
But, I am afraid I am already quite drunk.

iii.

And when my tired lips utter my final words,
I will never truly forget how your voice rang
Through the chords of my lungs down to the hollow of me.
What a shame, what a shame to have listened to you.

I am so sorry if that made no sense. That was sorta a spur of the moment kind of thing. So yeah. Until next time? I hope you guys will still read this blog after this terrible post.

Oh and here's a GIF of my favorite scene from Pride & Predjudice:

SOMEWHERE ELSE

Mom says people just come and go. Maybe, you were meant to be that one person who'd go barging in my life, teach me a tradgic lesson and walk away forever. And maybe, you're going to come back. We'd meet Someday in Somewhere Else and catch up, sipping drinks in the sun. And maybe, you're just going to disappear. I'd forget about you and go out in the world to live my life. But then, you'd come back to haunt me. My dreams of you with the light reflecting in your eyes, they'd be dug up from a corner of my mind when my hands are aged and laced with the wrinkles time has a habit of leaving behind. Or I don't know. I'm not sure. I wouldn't like to pretend I've got everything figured out. I still don't know the questions to my answers. And I have no clue of what I ever did to let you go. I say I'm fine, pretty great actually. And that's when you leave. You nod and turn. I have my last look at you and then you're gone. But, I have hope. Maybe Someday. In Somewhere Else.

Wouldn't it be nice to live by the sea with a white beach? I don't want it full of people in skimpy bikinis. I want it big and empty. And every night there'd be a bonfire for my friends. We'd all feel small and lost like ants in a house. And that fire would mean different things. But, sometimes it would be just for you. I don't want you to know these things and at the same time I do. And somehow you do know. And that's okay.

I'm compiling my random paragraphs into a book. I am that lame. In my dimension, there is no such thing as a writing proccess.

WHAT DO I STAND FOR?

I heard Some Nights by FUN on the radio the other day while going home from school and I wrote something that is based from the thoughts in my head and the emotions from my kidney when I listened to this song.

   I had stood for love and I tried with faith, but, I had to fall and I did not pray. Yet here I am, still upright and proud. So God if You hear me, what do I stand for? I've been loyal to my brothers and I strived to tell the truth, but, in the end I had rebelled and I lied to sort things out. Yet here I am, still existing and dignified. So God if You're listening, what do I stand for? I was never one to be the soldier. I was never one to be the writer. They had always seen trouble in my eyes, so tell me Lord, what do I stand for? They're waiting for their hero to come, but, haven't they come already? It's a mad mad world we're fighting for, so tell me Lord, what do You stand for?

LUNATIC IN WONDERLAND

My old work. I did this last year in Math class. I don't know what I was thinking.


The Mad Hatter invites you to tea.
Wear your best dress and you'll see
How wonderful lunatics can be,
How whim disguises the sea.


Off with their heads!
Oh, off with their heads!
The Queen jumps up with glee.
But, before she could call
A trial in court,
The cards with fault then flee.


Now, tickity tock
Climb up the clock.
Her mind is clouded in doubt.
"Curiouser and curiouser!" that's what she shouts
'Til they put a sock in her mouth.